Struggling with Ambiguity & Lack of Direction

The last three months have been a difficult time in my life, a time in which my ministry in Russia has become very confusing.  I have prayed for clear direction for my work, but no clear direction has come.  As I look to the future, I realize that I have no idea what lies ahead.

For those of you who know me, you will understand that for twenty years I have been working in Russia with the goal of building a faith-based liberal arts university, which -- by the way -- I was asked to establish by Boris Yeltsin’s Minister of Education in October 1990.  It took five years, in participation with a group of Russian and American educators, to get the school established, eights years to get it accredited, and nine years to build a campus facility.  Every step of the way was a battle, but through a series of miraculous events, we were able to get the school in operation and housed in a beautiful building.  Then, within three months of a joyous building dedication in May 2010, the Board was forced to make the difficult decision to suspend the Institute’s undergraduate program.  A series of decisions quietly made in the Kremlin to protect state universities at the expense of private schools, because of a dramatic decrease in the number of college-age students, made it impossible for the Institute to compete legally in the marketplace.

My dream, my work for twenty years, now appeared to be over.  I could not understand how so many miraculous events could occur to make the Russian-American Institute a reality, yet now it was clear that it had to be closed down.   God’s intervention on our behalf was evident numerous times, so how could this happen?  I went through a period of mourning, just trying to make sense out of a series of events that appeared senseless.

Living with ambiguity is difficult for everyone.   When events like this happen, it is hard not to be paralyzed.  Wrestling with doubt, questioning God’s presence in the midst of radical challenges in life – this is what I was struggling with.  Why?  Why now?

In times like this, going back to God’s Word and re-discovering His promises proved to be a helpful way of getting through this discouraging period.  I still don’t have any answers to why this has happened – why the Institute has to close its undergraduate program – but now I have a sense of expectancy as we search for a new mission in Russia.  Yes, I still would like some answers to my “Why?” questions, but I know those answers may not come for quite awhile.

But for me the bottom-line is this: God is a God of “Shalom” and He desires to bless and protect me.  I need to put my trust in His promises.  My questions may not get resolved quickly, my doubts may not be answered soon, but I have learned once again that trusting in God, even in periods of ambiguity, while not easy, is what is needed. 

This assurance of God’s desire to care for us is made beautifully evident in Numbers 6:22-27.  In this passage, God instructs Moses to tell Aaron and his sons, who were from the tribe of Levi and were set apart to serve as priests, to announce a blessing  from God on the people each day.  In Biblical literature, a blessing is a very special type of speech.  It is something that God gives us and yet we can also give God.  In these verses, God blesses His people, and in the Psalms, the writers often bless God.

Here are the words of the priestly blessing: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.”  God is making it clear to His people that He has a covenant with them, that they bear His name, and that He will bless them.  What is the nature of His blessing?  Shalom (verse 26).

The promise of God was, first of all, protection.  “The Lord bless you and keep you.”  The word “keep” means watch, guard, and shelter.  “The Lord make His face to shine upon you.”  This graphic expression is the Hebrew way of describing one’s emotions.  For example, Genesis 4:5 tells us that when God refused Cain’s sacrifice, Cain’s face was “downcast” or “his face fell.”  On the other hand, a favorable disposition was often described by a facial expression that “shined.”  When the Bible says God’s face “shined” when He looked on His people, it meant God was showing  His care and love and pleasure.

All of this graciousness and blessing from God results in one conclusion: Shalom!  God wants His people to have shalom.  God’s desire for His people today has not changed.  His wish for us is shalom. 

In times of ambiguity, in times when we lack clear direction in our lives and our prayers never seem to be answered in the ways that we expect, we need to trust the God who offers us blessing and protection.

So What?

• Having doubts, questioning God – these are experiences all of us go through and God is not angered by this.  Doubt is not the opposite of faith, fear is.

• David, the King of the Jews who God loved, often struggled with doubts that he expressed to God.  Read his struggles with God in Psalm 22:1-4 or Psalm 28.

• When we have friends who are going through times of doubt, times when their lives lack direction, what can we say to encourage them?  Does God’s promise of shalom offer us a helpful response?